Have you ever sat down and tried to talk to God? Not rattling off a prayer you learned in kindergarten but really sitting down and talking to God? Continue reading
“[D]id you hear about the back that went to law school? He passed the Lum’bar’!” Email from Trescot J. Gear, Front Row (February 9, 2012, 1:26 p.m EDT). Law school is a huge time suck. You are in class approximately 4 … Continue reading
You see, with twins everything is expensive times two. Unfortunately, my mom was alone. She removed my sister and I from an abusive situation and did everything she could to raise my sister and I well. Some would call it … Continue reading
Sometimes I wish I could show people how much the pressure I feel affects me. Slowly the water is churning and I’m drowning… no rescue in sight…
The pressure to be perfect is sickening. My family holds me on a pedestal so I cannot imagine complaining to them. Being the first to go to college, graduate school and now law school… there’s a lot of pressure for me to be successful. Partly because the loan payments are going to be outrageous!
Looking back, I should be proud. Yet, what I feel is not pride or accomplishment–I only feel anger and regret.
I’m angry because I couldn’t have a normal college experience. To afford the tuition at my college (even though it wasn’t much) and my living expenses, I had to work 40-60 hours a week–never holding less than two jobs at a time. And, somehow, I was still barely able to make ends meet. I couldn’t study for six or more hours a day like my classmates because I was usually at work or sleeping from exhaustion. Okay, some of those hours were spent Facebook creeping, but that is part of college…right?
I regret my past because I feel I was limited. I believe that had I not had to work so hard to keep my head above water that I could have achieved a higher GPA, I could have afforded to take the $3000 LSAT prep class, I could have afforded to get above a 162 and get into the school of my dreams. I was robbed of the experience I could have had because of my circumstances. Yes, I may have graduated with an honors diploma but I didn’t get cum laude or summa cum laude, not because my ability or knowledge was lacking, but because I lacked to necessary preparation time. Where was that factored into my GPA?
Who do I blame, though? Do I blame my classmates who have parents who were able to fund their education? Do I blame the university for not thinking I was needy enough? Honestly, why did it seem my friends who were on “full scholarship” had parents with limitless bank accounts?
I may be angry and regret a lot about where I am now, but truth be told it could have been a lot worse. I may hate that I had to work 40+ hours in high school and college, but how many 25 year olds have almost 10 years of managing experience? I may hate that I couldn’t take the LSAT prep class to get into a Top Ten law school, but then I wouldn’t have come to Stetson.
I do believe that the system we have in place is not fair, but I am unsure whether it is should be equal. Having to work for my education has made me appreciate it even more. When I received my blue diploma holder in 2010 (and again in 2011) I knew that it signified more than me completing a set number of credits in four (five) years–it signified twenty-two years of blood, sweat and tears that went into working long hours by my mother and then by me to make this dream a reality.
My mom said something when I was young and it has stuck with me every time I hit a rough patch,
“Girls, this article says that kids with divorced parents don’t do as well in school as kids with two parents. Well, I don’t believe that–you can prove them wrong.”
Mom, I’m trying.
Last night I spent about three hours catching up on two weeks of classes that I forgot. I cannot believe that I allowed myself to miss classes! Anyways, I am back on track with 2/4 classes. The two remaining, evidence and administrative law, should be caught up with by Saturday. Shockingly, reading the actual pages in the book is helpful! Aside from my mini (okay, mega) meltdown on Saturday, my life has been looking up.
The new church I started attending is absolutely astounding! The growth it has undergone in such a short-time speaks volumes of God’s work there. Yes, every church has its struggles and I am positive not every person is “saved” but you cannot deny that the Holy Spirit is alive and well at Bridgepoint in St. Pete!
I have been spending time reading the Bible and journaling, which has been helping my overall mental, spiritual, and physical state! My stomach is actually flat now–something I never thought would be possible again! My business is slowly expanding and I could not ask for better clients! The pets are adorable, and while the work is challenging at times it’s worth it!
Relationship-wise there are no major challenges as side from me placing everything in God’s control. I’m done trying to force situations or guess what He has planned for me. I am giving up control… let go and let God, right?