Over two years I have gone to the Stetson Law Career Services office about three times and attended at least 6-10 of the lunchtime sessions that they have hosted. I wish I could emphasize the importance of utilizing these services … Continue reading
I used to be able to re-write my notes by hand without any problem. Now, I can barely hold my pencil for an hour or two without my hands starting to shake like crazy. Even now, I am having trouble keeping my hands still long enough to press the keys to type. I have been trying to keep my mind off the possibility that my diagnosis was accurate, yet my ability to ignore the increase in symptoms is growing more difficult.
When I was 21 I started to notice that my hands were shaking more than the usual caffeine jitters. The breaking point was the moment that I was unable to hold a bowl in my hands because they were shaking too much. Also, I started to experience strange sensations in my arms and legs that would last for an hour or more. I decided that something was not right and went to the doctor. He asked me a few questions and did a couple of tests. Then, he suggested I go to a neurologist. The neurologist also performed a few tests and asked questions. As she scribbled in her manila envelope, she looked up briefly and stated in the coldest voice I’ve ever heard, “You have early onset-MS. I’ll schedule an MRI to check for lesions. I’m putting you on a dose of prednisone to stop the severity of the shaking.” I walked out of the examination room in a daze. I was by myself. Do I call home? What do I even say? Was it really even a diagnosis?
I did the MRI. Scheduled a follow-up with the neurologist. The neurologist canceled. I never heard the results.
I made the conscious decision that I did not want to know because it would control my life. To this point, I have been able to control my symptoms by using a nutritional shake; however, due to my schedule I have been unable to keep up with the three shakes a day it takes to maintain my health.
I do not know what to do. I am struggling each day to place my faith in God. He controls my path and only He knows what lies ahead. Nonetheless, I cannot help but be less than optimistic concerning my prognosis. I am 24 years old. I have my whole life ahead of me. How am I supposed to be okay with an uncertain future? How am I supposed to live each day not knowing what is going to happen to me– to my body? Will it progress? What if it isn’t even MS? What if it is something else, maybe something more manageable? Do I even want to know?
I have learned how to deal with my endometriosis. The constant pain has been manageable. I have learned how to tailor my activities and work around the issues that it causes; but, can I handle another health issue being added to the routine? My hands are uncontrollable… I want to be able to understand what is happening. I want to be able to control it. For now, though, I must turn to God. He has it under control.
Let it be.
This week is going to be hectic. The research plan for my final appellate brief is due Tuesday, the AAJ competition is this weekend, internship search is in full-force, and readings seem to be overwhelming me.
My desire to stay on top of everything is at an all-time high, which is encouraging, yet I need to make sure that desire sustains itself throughout the week. Outlines are coming along well, notes are being organized, and research is being done.
It seems this is the time that everyone starts floundering. Most of us are exhausted, wiped out, and feeling slightly defeated. Readings are not being done as thoroughly, notes are less in depth, and participation during lecture is at an all-time low. I’ve noticed an increase in the number of “I should just drop out” comments and the participation in organizations has decreased greatly.
Honestly, I am stressed. There is a lot going on in preparation of the end of the school year and even more to prepare for next year! I have finally started sending out resumes to law firms looking for internships, but I STILL haven’t decided where I want to be in the summer. I want to stay in Florida because I love the weather and feel settled here; however, I want to be in Pittsburgh because I do not want to be away from my boyfriend for the entire summer. The one hitch is my dog. I can keep him with me if I’m in St. Pete, but anywhere else I’ll have to make accommodations. Decisions, decisions, decisions!
The one bright note of this week is that I have a renewed hope in people. I was feeling discouraged after last week’s issue and unsure of how others were viewing my posts. Yesterday, I received so much support from classmates and readers that it was overwhelming! My efforts as I move forward will be placed on ensuring that I do not come off as arrogant and a know-it-all. If I do, please tell me (in a nice way).
This is something that I hope to continue throughout my years in law school and my career so I want to work out as many kinks as possible now instead of later when a law partner is calling me into his office.
For the second part of this semester, my goals are to write helpful and insightful posts about my increased schedule. Hopefully some of you will be able to help me figure out how to ease the stress! I will be working on time management and will actually LOOK at my schedule each day!
Oh, and to raise $1,000 for the Relay for Life-Gulfport event for the American Cancer Society~ You can click below to donate, or if you want more information about the event!
What goals have you set for yourself for the second half of the spring semester?