“[D]id you hear about the back that went to law school? He passed the Lum’bar’!” Email from Trescot J. Gear, Front Row (February 9, 2012, 1:26 p.m EDT). Law school is a huge time suck. You are in class approximately 4 … Continue reading
Today I will be attending a workshop on blogging. I hope that it will help me find the motivation that I need to increase my presence on my blog and hopefully become more regular with my posts (maybe new post every Wednesday?). My blog started out as an outlet for my thoughts and tumultuous emotions, and slowly I started to focus more on increasing traffic to my site. However, I lost focus of my main goal: to share with the world my experiences and how they have shaped my thoughts on the world.
I never thought that potential employers would look at this site to “get to know me”; nonetheless, I am encouraged because I do believe that this site portrays who I am and who I want to become.
My first semester at Stetson allowed me to figure out more about myself, see how I would cope in a new environment, and really, live on my own for the first time. I succeeded. Yes, I could have cut more time out for studying, less Hulu, should not have bought a puppy, or spent my money in other foolish ways. Yet, I have no regrets (for once in my life).
On Sunday, I had an awakening. I was struggling with so many doubts about my life and choices I’ve made and where I was headed. Then, I went to church. The day started great. The sun was shining. Starbucks gave me a free drink–okay, I may have had a coupon. And, when I got to the preschool room to start watching the children before the service, I felt a rush of calm. I felt comfortable. The warmth you feel when a child comes to you for comfort is one of the most amazing feelings in the world. This little guy barely knows me, he doesn’t know who I used to be or even who I am now; yet, he comes to me. Doesn’t that sound like our relationship with God?
We learn to turn to Him in times of struggle even if we do not know Him. None of us will ever be able to actually know God until after death, but we strive to learn more by reading our Bibles and praying to Him. We should always keep the child-like approach to Our Lord because we ARE His children.
Anyways, time for the service came and the feeling of calm turned to pure joy and I felt God’s presence. I was washed with bliss. Then, the strangest thing happened. I felt the urge to start writing down ideas for events to bring my friends to church. I have been doing this for the last 2 or 3 services, but the feeling was especially strong on this day. After I had a few ideas down, one of the Elders said that someone wanted to give an announcement and a woman who I recognize only by her child stood up. She announced that she was in charge of the Outreach and Evangelism Team at our church and that she was looking for a few dedicated people to help come up with events and ideas to reach out to our community. My jaw dropped. This is EXACTLY what I’ve been scribbling on my bulletin for the last few services!
At the end, I approached her and handed her my doodles. She gave me the HUGEST hug! I was so excited that I had found a way to become connected with my church and amazed at how God works in us when we least expect it.
From there my week has only gone up. I finally feel that I have found my footing. My heart is calmed, but my head has not caught up yet. I will continue to pray that He will help my head to grasp that I am not in control–He is.
Everyone told me that law school was going to be the biggest challenge in my life. They were right. It is challenging every day. You just have to find your group of friends that support you in good. Find some areas of stabilization. For me that was finding a church with a group of people who I could connect with. I definitely found that. Strengthen your relationship with friends and family. Once you accomplish these things, life will be much easier.
Stop. Listen. And you will find the answer.
It is amazing how quickly you can become overwhelmed in friendships. You can have the greatest friends in the world, but expecting to always be there for someone else is draining. You become disappointed when the expectations that you are held to are not reciprocated and vice versa. Sometimes, you just need a friend vacation.
A friend vacation is just that–a vacation from your friends. It’s needed regardless of how much you love and appreciate the other persons, we just have so many other stresses in our lives that adding the pressure of being a good friend can be the push that sends you over the edge. I have great friends and I know that I can usually count on them for anything but when I have to worry about two jobs, being a full-time student, and maintaining my sanity… I do not always have something to give to the friendship. When my days are bad and I just want to sit and relax the last thing that I want to do is sit there and listen to someone else’s dilemma.
Some may think that this makes me a bad friend, and if you do well, maybe it does. Yet, my primary obligation is to myself. If I feel that I will not contribute anything to the friendship and that my effort of trying to contribute to the friendship may in turn hurt it because of my stress level, then I would rather take a break and come back to the friendship when I am in a better state of mind in order to care about other individuals.
Basically, I need a vacation.
And, I’m taking it.
I’m scared that I’m going to lose you and fall back to the same routine. — this thought just ran through my head, and it worries me. i just re-read my blog from january 21, 2010 until today and I have made some observations that I care to share.
I sound like a love-obsessed teenager. I had to recall my past to figure out who I was referencing. The funny part is that there have not been many guys in my life. And looking back, I don’t believe I knew the real meaning of love. I can confidently state that I am completely moved on from my last relationship. I have found myself thinking about him less and less every day, and I do not care who he is with or what he is doing, although I do hope he is happy.
I believe that I moved to quickly into another relationship, but I do not regret it because I am happy. I am not happy because he is in my life, but because of the changes that have occurred in my life since meeting him. Sometimes I do think that I should have remained single for a while longer, but when I look at him I know that what I was feeling when I finally looked at him as more than my best friend, there was no turning back. I hurt him and he remained there. He sat there and listened to me talk about someone else breaking my heart when I was doing the same thing to him. Somehow, we found a way to work. We argue. We have bad days. But, we talk. I never realized how important it was to communicate. (duh, right?)
I am an emotional wreck at the moment, just reliving everything that has happened in one year–just a YEAR! I really cannot believe it. I just hope that history does not repeat. I hope that this time around I will not lose sight of who I am and what I want. Although, I do find that I need to remind myself not to consider him in my future. It’s hard. You do not want to think about the end. You do not want to think “what if” when things are going well. Yet, with the decision of law school on the horizon, I need to constantly remind myself that I cannot consider him. I want to, but I know that I cannot.
As for friends, I am glad to say that I have worked to maintain most of my friendships lately. I have at least put in more effort than ordinary. Amy B. and I are as tight as ever, ha! I believe that she is one of my only ‘best friends’ that has stuck around for this long. We have been through so much together, and I think she is one of those lifelong friends. I have become a lot closer to KP and I am truly happy that I did not push her away like I did last year. I truly value her friendship. I have made a huge effort to maintain my friendships with MN and KH and am glad that I still have them in my life. MN was the leading force in my current relationship, so I have a lot to thank her for and she is just fun to be around.
Unfortunately, I feel that I did lose one important friendship since last year. AE has pretty much been nonexistent in my life lately. We went through so much together in a 9-10 month period that it really hurts that we rarely speak now. I feel that I tried. I just do not think I am a priority anymore. She has moved on in her life and I am apparently not a part of that. It’s fine though, she seems happy and that is all I can wish for her. It is just sad to lose someone who you grew so close to, the one person I was able to talk to about everything I went through last year. And, now, when things are going well for both of us, the friendship dies.
That picture is what I miss. We all needed each other and we were all there for each other. Unfortunately, times change. People change. Memories last.
We just need to stop and think about the impact we have on each other. What you say today can mean a lot to someone tomorrow.
PS I’m going to start this post-a-week challenge. wish me luck! encouragement is appreciated through comments and feedback
Just watched the movie “27 Dresses” and I will admit it… i cried. I cried a couple times. While I have never been a bridesmaid–which is actually something I am quite bitter about–I see a lot of similarities between myself and ‘Jane’. The desire to always help others and to never let anyone down is something that I contend with daily. Now, I am a relatively self-centered person I will be the first to admit, but when it comes to someone asking me to do something I always find myself saying ‘yes’. The word ‘no’ does not seem to exist even when I know that there is no way I have the time or energy to help. Yet, I agree and always find some way to manage. The appreciation is sometimes there and sometimes not. The satisfaction is there for a short time.
I sit back and hope that the same help I give will be returned one day when I need it, but I know not to expect it.
“It is better to give than to receive”
At this point in my life, I am somewhat at a crossroads. I am an adult, but I am not quite ready to grow up. My sister has already been married for over a year, has one child, and while at first I felt a twinge of jealousy, I realize that I am not ready for any of that. Yet. I am a selfish person (see above). I love being taken care of and I love being able to rely on someone else to care for me. I like knowing that I have the safety net of home if I ever feel lost or need time to recharge. I like being able to foolishly spend money and not have to worry about anyone else but myself. Yes, I do want to get married and have kids and enjoy that part of my life. Nonetheless, right now–in this very moment–I am content. I would venture to say that I am quite happy with my life presently.
I have never been this happy before. I have never felt this free before. It is like everything in my life is finally lining up properly and things are just falling into place. Yes, I am in a relationship so I am not “free” but I still feel like I am because I feel no pressure. If things work, they work. If not, then I truly believe that this person will always be in my life in some capacity. He is my best friend. He was my best friend before we started dating, and because of who he is and how our relationship is I know deep down in my heart that he will be there forever. No matter what. And, for this reason I am happy. I do not believe I have ever felt this way in my life for a very long time. The only two days I remember being blissfully happy were: 1. the day I picked Shadow out at the pound 2. the day I picked Chance up from the mean guy in Toronto (both dogs we rescued). But, I am. My life may be hectic and crazy but I’m crazy! I am going to enjoy every minute of the time I have to not worry about anything or anyone… even though I do worry about other people, just not in an “obligated” manner.
I am content with knowing that every moment in my life has led me to where I am right now. All the good and bad have placed me here. I am a better person than I was six months ago, I do believe that. I have allowed myself to rediscover my faith. I may not go to church every Sunday, but I am more connected to God than I was before. I am finally living my life closer to His teachings, and for that I have my best friend to thank.
My life has changed drastically as I may have mentioned before. Well, it has. My life went from unbearable to blissfully happy. The change seemed to occur overnight and thinking back that is mostly true if you consider overnight to be a week long. After my breakup, I lost control. I spiraled down and I saw no light at the end of the tunnel. Yet, in what will forever be termed “bad Friday” I realized what mattered most in my life–more importantly, who matter most in my life. My priorities had been scrambled. I lost sight of who I was, who I wanted to be, and who I cared about. Yet, bad Friday and the week that followed put everything into perspective. The ones who truly matter were the ones who stood by my side even after I hurt them. To the two who sat by and watched me go from “i can really see why everyone loves me, I’m gorgeous” to “i’m an awful person”, thank you for sitting there and consoling me. thank you for the tagalongs and for taking me to get a hot dog because apparently food solves everything. You know who you are and you both a great friends.
To the one who sat on the side of our building with me on many nights talking about life and love and regret, thank you. You will always be counted as one my friends because even though we are different, we share so many of the same thoughts and hopes and dreams.
To the one who bought me an iTunes gift card so that I could have a playlist of songs to make me feel better, even though you were probably hurting more than me, you still owe me a few songs. Just kidding, seriously, I will always be here no matter what. No matter how crappy life may seem, no matter what happens down the road… I will always be here for you because you were and are always there when I need you. You truly are my best friend.
Now, there have been other great friends in my life these are just the ones that helped in this particular situation. Yet, to be fair I should thank my best friend from high school for actually staying in contact with me (although not as much as we would hope) but I still remember all of our late night conversations on our way to Kings after a fish fry. We started out competing for the same guy in 8th grade and our now B.I.C’s for life (lyfe).
To everyone else in my life… you are all amazing and I am a better person for knowing you. Thank you