so I really want to say something insightful, something that will change someone’s life, why? why do i want to try to affect someone else’s life when I can’t even figure out my own? There are always new changes, new turns, new characters, new scenes, but in the end is anything really different? Do we change, or are we really the same person but simply make decisions different because of our experiences? What if we are hardened by our experiences, do we approach everything with skepticism? I remember in high school I was friends with a boy named John H. and we used to have these long, drawn out conversations–via AIM–about life and love and what everything means, and I do not remember everything about our conversations but he told me that I had a “cold heart.” At the time, I took it to mean that I was incapable of trusting others and afraid to let anyone in and I thought that if I tried I would be able to change. Yet, I have come to realize that is impossible to change our, like really change who we are, the core of oneself. I am me. I may make decisions differently than I would have when I was, say, 15 years old, but deep down I have the same hopes, dreams, core values. I am the same person, but I have simply learned how to adapt to my surroundings. I have not actually changed. My “cold heart” is who I am. I do not trust people all the time. I have a difficult time maintaining friendships. I am selfish. I am a bitch. Some of these may seem negative, but I feel that it depends on how you look at it. I do not trust people because of my past experiences and I have learned to adapt by being slow to trust. My father left. My mother hurt me a lot and left (we’re okay now). My first relationship hurt me a lot. I put all my hope into this person and I watched everything scatter in front of me. Then my most recent one was tough. I took a while to trust, but once I did I put my whole self into it. And, I was hurt a lot throughout, emotionally. In the end, to avoid being hurt again I simply walked away. Now that probably was not right, and I may one day regret that decision but it is all because of who I am.
I suck at friendships for pretty much the same reason. I only have a few close friends, but I have to constantly remind myself to be nice and not push them away because sometimes I simply cannot stand anyone. Yet, I also like to have everyone like me. I do not necessarily have to like you, but I want you to like me. I put on a face of a bubbly, outgoing person but sometimes I like to be quiet and reserved. I just have such a hard time at keeping my damn mouth shut! I feel like this is also a part of our culture, or maybe our generation? We want to feel like someone. Someone special. Someone that everyone cares about. We update Facebook religiously. We twitter. We text. We email. We blog. I probably spent twenty minutes trying to come up with a status that was both comical and deep or had some hidden innuendo that I would be devastated if no one comments on.
Is this normal?
Do I do it?
Almost every day.
We long to feel connected to others and today the only way we seem to feel connected is electronically. I do not know about any of you, but I would love to have someone come over and just sit and talk and hang out and watch a movie with me instead of us video chatting while watching the same movie (although that may be a cute idea for long-distance relationships). Do not get me wrong, I constantly check my Facebook page and am thrilled if I have notifications, but I would like it to have actual human contact every so often as well.
So, how are being selfish and a bitch positive traits? Honestly, I do not know yet. Nonetheless, I think that because I recognize that I have these traits I am more conscious in my actions. I may have to go out of my way to do something for another person, but it does make me feel good. And, I can be a bitch sometimes I find that I do not typically let anyone walk over me. I stand up for myself when I need to and I assert my ideas when I feel it is necessary. Yes, these can be negative traits–if you let them. I believe that anyone can turn a negative trait into a positive one. You just have to find the right way to spin it.
I have no idea what the point is to any of this. No idea what the meaning of life is. No idea what love is or why we all crave it. All I know is that I am me. I may not have everything figured out yet, but I am trying.