Step by Step


Sometimes I have an urge to write. I crave the feeling of the keys tapping beneath my fingers seeing the words appear on the screen. Yet, the moment I sit in front of the screen most of my “amazing” thoughts turn into garbage.

Anyways until some golden idea or words of wisdom come into my overcrowded brain, I will update you on my “New Years, New Me” goals.

This week I will be focusing on fitness and education. In order to accomplish my fitness goals, I have decided to start with the following steps (baby steps, remember!):

  • drink 80 ounces of water dailyday102_04-12-10
  • walk for 30 minutes with Toby (3x/week)
  • eat one healthy, clean meal each day
  • track all food via journal and/or online

For education:

  • Complete all readings two classes in advance
  • Review notes 1x/week
  • Email questions or meet with professors 1x/week

Now I realize some of these may seem simplistic, but I believe that it will be easier to stay committed to my goals if I take it slowly. If anyone has suggestions on how to keep my motivation up, I would really appreciate it… motivation is my main issue!

Changes Inevitable


The last few weeks I’ve started several posts, yet none have made it past the first few sentences. Nothing I want to say seems important enough to post…senseless droning is all it ever seems. My life has changed a lot (what’s new?).

I am three days into my second semester of my 2L year, and I am no closer to knowing what I want to do with my life. My courses are a reflection: Climate Change, Criminal Adjudication, International Law, and Cyberlaw Seminar. I enjoy running my own business. I enjoy writing. I enjoy “trying” cases. Nonetheless, I cannot seem to find a way to connect all of my interests into anything constructive. Maybe I lack passion? Maybe it’s drive? Or, maybe it’s self doubt?

When I was a freshman in college, everyone told me it was okay that I didn’t know which direction I was headed. First year of law school, the professors told us we would change our minds continuously each day. Yet, sitting here knowing that in one year I’ll be months away from taking the bar exam… with no direction, no job, no prospects… isn’t it time to know what direction I am heading? At what moment did I lose my drive and let everything slip away?

My goal for 2013 is to find direction in my life. The direction I’m headed is completely uncertain. The only certainty is that in one year I will finish law school with almost $200,000 in debt. I will have a then 2 year old puppy, 10 year old car, and a one-year old pet care business (hopefully!). And that is all I know.

Four years ago, if you asked me where I would be when I graduated law school… my answer was more definite. I planned to be married, with one child on the way, a promising career (or job offer), my husband would be amazing… probably a lawyer, as well. I wanted to be happy and my picture of happiness included the “American Dream“. Never did I imagine that my life would be starting all over again at (almost) twenty-five. I am single. I am depressed. I am rethinking my life.

Law school is all about finding yourself. It’s not what the tell you… but it’s inevitable.

Let’s just hope I make it out alive.

Post Signature

Let’s discuss scheduling…


My school does bidding for classes. I am not entirely sure how it works but you bid for classes up to 17 credits and rank each one on a scale of 1 through 7 (depends on how many classes your bid on). Then a week later the school releases your “schedule” based on how you ranked courses and others ranked theirs.

Anyways… as I discovered, you are not guaranteed a full course load. I bid on 16 credits and somehow only have 7 credits scheduled. Now, I am on the waitlist for the remaining credits; however, I am 46 out of 48 for one class.

Yes, I do like that there is no apparent preference given to 3Ls versus 2Ls or part-timers versus full-timers. Nonetheless, as a law student seeing that I am not carrying enough credits currently to be considered “full time”, I am freaking out. Logically, I am aware that I will be taken off the the waitlist for at least one of my classes– but what law student is logical when it comes to law school matters?

NONE OF US!

Facebook is currently blowing up with statuses about people not getting into any courses they bid on or only getting into a few… it is a lot of stress as we prepare for finals. I do not want to worry about what classes I am taking next semester, because I am currently freaking out about final exam preparation!

In these moments, I try to remind myself that this will all be over in 1.5 years.

hahahahhaha! JUST KIDDING!

This is just the beginning of the stress and for whatever reason I enjoy the stress (sometimes). You have to be able to handle it, because being a lawyer is a stressful career! Maybe there are certain areas of practice that are not as stressful or can be regulated so you do not experience the average level of stress, but most of us will be extremely stressed during our first few years of practice. You gotta prove yourself!

I am going into my second year second semester and I haven’t even applied for a clinic or internship even though I completed my character and fitness application by November of last year! I haven’t applied because the process for “applying” is usually a week or two long and falls in the middle of my “busy” times. Also, I cannot participate in the write-on for law review competition, yet again, because I will be traveling during the week of the competition… I mean it is a over New Years! I thought it would be right after finals like it was last year. Oh well! 

Maybe I’ll be able to get a job once I stop making excuses and just apply for some of this stuff… or stay in my hotel room during New Years to complete the write-on competition packet, really who needs to see Vegas, right? Ha, there’s no way I’m missing that!

If you learn one thing during law school, let it be this: You can complain all you want but there were many before you and will be many after that do the same thing, so save your breath. 

No more Excuses



Every have a “Why God” moment? Well, seems to be my catch phrase right now. The second I stop and think “Wow, my life is blessed!” that’s when I turn into a wreck again.

I miss my family.
I miss my best friend.
I miss feeling loved.

How lame is it for a “christian” to feel unwanted and unloved? Guess what? Being a christian is harder than being a non-believer. I know that I am undeserving of God’s love. I am imperfect. I

have flaws. Yet, God loves me regardless. Yet, living in this world makes us fall prey to wanting the love and acceptance of man. I would be lying if I said I was happy being single. I know that I should be satisfied with being alone with God. I KNOW that He is all I need to be complete…

Still, the feeling I used to get when he looked at me… I cannot seem to replace that. Life is a struggle.

 

Right now, I will be satisfied if I survive the rest of this semester. It has been a roller-coaster… a very bad one. My emotions have been all of the place and I cannot seem to find the focus or desire to care about school. How horrible does that sound? 
My life is a mess currently. Somehow I imagined following God’s command to grow my relationship with Him would make my life easier… how naive was I?

I feel worse than I did before… I am all over the place… constantly seeking acceptance or approval from others, still…

 

 

It is so much easier to KNOW what to do, than it is to actually DO it. 

From today forward–I pledge to stop the excuses. God is in control.

 

 

 

 

Someone Afraid


I deserve someone who calls me when I’m upset just so I don’t have to cry alone.

I deserve someone who loves me.

I deserve someone who loves me even when I say stupid things.

I deserve to be a priority.

I deserve for someone to want to walk 1000 miles to see me.

I deserve someone to call even when they have a million other things that need done.

I deserve someone who is willing to stick it out.

I deserve someone willing to fight for us.

I found the one and let him go.

I was afraid to hurt.

I was afraid to lose him.

I was afraid of rejection.

I was afraid to be second.

I was afraid I wasn’t good enough.

I was afraid I didn’t matter.

I was afraid I would ruin him.

I was afraid to let him go.

I was afraid to trust.

I was afraid.

Now I am alone.

Me, my prayers and God are all that remain.

It should be enough.

It should be but I still have a piece missing.

The phone isn’t ringing.

You aren’t calling.

I’ve been left alone.

I never thought I’d survive a day without you…

I was right.