Why is it that when we least expect it our past comes back. Anything can spark a memory. Whether a picture, song, words from a friend, or just plain old procrastination that results in intense Facebook sessions. No matter how much I pretend that my past is erased and no longer effecting my present, deep down I know that it is a lie. I think about my past almost daily. I regret my decisions. I regret allowing myself to every be placed in the situations. And, I regret the words I spoke and actions I took. All of those moments led me to where I am. I am who I am because of how my life was shaped, yet I cannot help but think that I would be a better person had I never gone through a lot of the mistakes.
I gave my heart away too easily. I trusted too freely. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be wanted and loved and cared for. In my search for these things I lost sight of who I should really be seeking—God.
I was so engulfed in worldly, human needs that I forgot about my Heavenly Father. I forgot what mattered most. I hated myself. I drank to forget the hate. I thought that if I was drinking, then I was no longer responsible for anything that happened while under the influence. It was wrong. It was a childish mistake. I wish I could say that I snapped out of it quickly, but I cannot. It was a process. I had to recommit myself to finding my path. It took time. Still I am rebuilding.
When one commits to God, it is a common misconception that you will be instantly made whole again. Spiritually, yes we are washed clean. However, are earthly tendencies do not evaporate. Our memories do not vanish. We are forever touched by our past, even though we are forgiven of it in God’s eyes. It is our responsibility to go to Him for help to correct our other shortcomings. We must not depend on ourselves because it is, after all, the reliance on self that led to most of our shortcomings.
My struggle is being able to forgive myself. I COMPLETELY understand that God has forgiven me and when I stumble, He will be there to brush away the dirt and help me find the path again. Nonetheless, my memories are still imbedded in my head and heart and I cannot seem to escape them. How do you start over? Who am I to hold my sins against myself, if God has forgiven them? How long will it take for me to completely move on? I still remember everything. I still have nightmares. I cannot simply forget what I have done, what I have seen, what has happened. I want to but I am human.
Overcoming myself will be the greatest struggle I ever encounter (at least so far) and I do not know what to do next. How do I start the healing process, when in my eyes, I should already be healed? Why does it still hurt? Why do I even care?
Why can’t I forgive… me?