i have had several updates over the past few days and yet i feel like i continue to say nothing. i am beginning to think that i expect too much from my family and therefore cause myself disappoint by setting the expectations too high. i must remember that not everyone can be on the same page as me and cannot know what i want them to do even if i repeated tell them; i must do more things myself.
i have learned that i do things on a whim frequently. and, in doing so, do not properly check things out as much as i should. i pride myself on being a detail-oriented person and yet i do not check details when i make an extravagent purchase (i.e. front row concert tickets from a random site).
i am currently sitting at the office. alone. and am trying to organize my life. i will find out where i am living on monday (hopefully) and when i can move in, which have been two things that have driven me insane not knowing. my life for the next few weeks has been written down and entered into three separate calenders (personal calender, iPhone, and Outlook). my entire life is becoming digitized. i will be making another large purchase soon in the way of a new laptop because mine has slowed to a crawl and is unable to run more than one application at a time. Therefore, if anyone out there has any recommendations please let me know what laptop do you suggest i buy?
looking around me i realize that the more organized and prepared i try to be for a situation, the more unorganized and unprepared i feel. i write down bills due on one sheet of paper, important dates on another, and in the end i have a stack of paper that i now need to organize into a singular system. why is it that life is so chaotic? do we enjoy the chaos? or do we simply create it unknowingly? I imagine life would be boring if it were neat and orderly all the time with things always going according to plan.
it is the unexpected in life that seems to bring the most joy, in my opinion. an unexpected phone call. a surprise visit. a gift left on the seat of your car. these are the little random joys in life that make it so much fun. if you knew exactly how your life was going to turn out, you would have no reason to try something out of the ordinary or take on an “impossible” task because you would already know what the end result would be. where’s the excitement? In my last entry I discussed how afraid I am to start over. And, well, I still am scared, but I am also excited. I do not know what to expect which means that I can try my best and even if I fail, I will know that I tried. Then again, failure is only in one’s mind. And unexpected result is not necessarily a “failure” but an opportunity to try again.
Anyways, this new chapter in my life has been exciting and fun and relaxing so far. I am allowing myself to have fun this summer and try new things, even though I have two jobs, I feel like I am having an amazing summer. Today i will be attending my first concert in well over ten years in which I will not be accompanied by a significant other, but my sister and cousin. I have gone to restaurants that I have wanted to try ever since I got to the Bluff. I’ve met a lot of new people, and am getting better at making small talk. I have taken initiative in asking for internships, asking for more hours, and just asking for help. I am so proud of this person that I am becoming. And, so glad that I am no longer the person that I was, although I still am me, essentially. I will try to remind myself to take each day as it comes and try not to get caught up in the future. I have always been told that you cannot love someone until you can love yourself, and I have finally found that to be true. Now, that I am happy with who I am and who I am becoming, I find it so much easier to love someone else because I am no longer looking for validation from their love but just simply–love.
I must always remember that while my past is my past I do not have to settle with just good enough or keep going in a certain path, I define my future by the actions I make every day. While each decision affects my life, individual decisions do not define my life. I have the power to change my path every day I wake.
The future is bright because it is unknown.